If you look HOMELESS you get free stuff

I decided it was time to clean the burner, since they were DISGUSTING and it looked like someone had just candled their ears and dumped the contents of the tube onto the 1940's burner. Realizing that I could either a) sweep the earwax under the stove or b) lift up the top and clean it all…I got a little ambitious. For those of you who don't know, fun fact #143 about Ms. DW is that I DO NOT LIKE TO CLEAN unless forced to, bribed to or if I have company. I used to con my sister into coming to "help" me and then she used to do it all. What?! She LIKES to clean. Anyway, after babysitting a lot lately and doing cleaning there I decided to continue on my cleaning roll. I lifted up the stove and OH MY GOODNESS! It was the GROSSEST thing I have ever seen, beside's my old roommate, Alyssa's bathroom. Paper towel after paper towel, minute after minute the darn thing just would not clean. I would tell you what it looked like and my analogy I used with my roommates but I will refrain. Ok you twisted my arm, picture a very poopy child's diaper on every paper towel. It was TOTALLY and utterly FOUL! I don't think the stove had ever been cleaned. Fortunately for me, I realized early on in my diaper diving adventure, that there were wires exposed and I might die. I pulled out the plug before noticing a yellow sign that says, "WARNING you may die or get shocked badly." Good to know.

In my attempt to be a good soul, a kind roommate, a "neat freak" if you will, I only had my dislike for cleaning reinforced…moral of the story, you will never catch me with rubber gloves on trying to clean again. Sorry future husband. During my stove cleaning fiasco, the gas burners got a little too wet and refused to work! We started using matches to get the stove going, but you always end up burning yourself and that's no good. *SIDENOTE Alysia came up to visit from DC this past weekend. Being a good friend I went to the store, got a few of her favorites, and decided I would be prepared for making a meal on Sunday. I felt pretty good about this. The meal that I bought for us to eat on Sunday required the use of the burners. I figured after a few days they would be working but alas they were not. We searched the kitchen for matches and soon discovered they were all gone! NOOOOOO! I'm HUNGRY! Don't make me go without food. Don't make me go buy something on Sunday! So I said all smart, ok Heavenly Father, if you don't want me to spend money on Sunday and to keep the Sabbath Day Holy miracle this stove into lighting. ABRACADABRA….let there be light! I said let there be light…nothing, just the stinky smell of gas.

Alright, we must venture out. So I'm wearing a yellow skirt, my slippers and a coat with the hood over my head because it was FREEZING. My accomplice, Leash, totally blew my outfit out of the water…black pantyhose, boots and a coat. LOL. Just picture the two of us. I look completely homeless and Leash, well she looked a little sketchy without any pants on. We went to Duane Read, "hello do you have matches." Shaniqua go get these girls some matches…here you go. Wait what? You just GAVE us matches? NICE! So we left and decided that we wanted bread, a lapse in my preparation. We stopped into this nice Italian restaurant and asked if we could buy a loaf of bread. The owner 1) wanted us out of his place 2) thought Alysia had nice legs 3) Felt bad for the homeless girl tagging along SO he GAVE us the loaf for free. Nice. Guess the abracadabra doesn't work but being homeless sure did. Thanks HF.

Speaking of being homeless…after grocery shopping Alysia and I were making our way to the shuttle train connecting the West and East sides, when we spotted a lady in front of us making her way down the stairs. No big deal. Didn't give her a second thought until she spotted us and our grocery bags. I was already passed her so she turns to Alysia and starts WAILING "help me, help me, help me." I thought she was hurt so I turned around and asked if she was ok and what she needed help with. She said, "I don't got no food, I don't got no groceries, I don't got no clothes in my house, HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME." Ok first off don't think I'm heartless for the behavior I'm about to tell you about because every time I go out to eat and have leftovers I give it to a homeless person. This lady was a con artist. I looked at her and said oh ok well there are programs for that and you should help yourself. I walked away and continued to make my way back home. The lady follows us, NO MORE TEARS OR SOBBING, and sits across from us on the train! The train doesn't move for 4-5 minutes and I'm thinking AWKWARD!!! As soon as the announcement came on that the train would be leaving the tears turned on again and she started walking down the train asking people to help her and to give her money. Really? She is a professional crier. Too bad her boots looked expensive and her clothes were nice, well not nice meaning I would NEVER wear them, but they looked warm and new. Lady, GO GET A JOB!

UPDATE…still looking for a job. Getting totally sick of doing so. Wanting to LEAVE NYC for good but still feeling like I need to be here. All my leads and contacts are leaving me at a dead-end and it's FRUSTRATING. On a positive note, I like my ward. My apartment is clean (well mostly) and has a GREAT location. I'm going on a date on Thursday with a guy who likes Ketchup as much as I do (a requirement in order for me to really like you) and gLee is on tomorrow. Oh gLee you get me through the week.

a FAKE benjamin + a NEW place + TRESPASSING = ONE month in NYC

So much can happen in ONE months time. Let me give you a few highlights.

1) My roommate tried to kick me out for wearing shoes in the house. She then proceed to shove her hand in my face and say, "Conversation over" (repeated three times) when I spoke truth to her and it struck a nerve. She then used her upper body/boobs to shove me down the hall. WOW is that not enough excitement for you? Well obviously it wasn't enough for me either because the goodness continues.

2) I DESPERATELY needed to find a place to live. After searching for WEEKS, with nothing working out I FINALLY found a place! Good news: I don't live with crazy people! I have two normal, fun, nice, HONEST roommates who I get along with well and enjoy. I also live in a CLEAN, SAFE part of town. I live right next door to the East Side Chapel SO you know it's got to be good or the church wouldn't have a building there. I have my own room but it's actually like having one huge shared room. The apartment is rail road style meaning we all walk through each others bedrooms to get to our own. It's not so bad. I'm at the very end and I have my own private entrance, which I never use but it may come in handy. Sharon keeps saying she wants to sneak boys in it but I don't think she gets that it's not sneaking them in if they are going through MY room and I can see them.

3) I no longer smell urine on a daily basis or get weird catcalls! Thank you Upper East Side rich folk yuppies!

4) After much debate I decided to be the lease holder, meaning I signed for the apartment and the two girls pay rent to me (but unlike Marcella I don't steal from them or spend their deposits-yes my deposit was spent on a flat screen tv and hundreds of dollars of clothing). On the day of the lease signing, Becca transferred money into my account and Sharon gave me cash. I needed to get two cashiers checks in order to finalize the lease. I went to Wachovia (BOOO!) since they are now part of Wells Fargo, to get a cash advance. I walked in, got my money, walked TEN FEET ACROSS THE STREET to the Bank of America, since Alysia could get free cashier's checks there, and not even half way through going through the money the lady pulls out a bill, walks away, comes back with her supervisor who says, "THIS IS A COUNTERFEIT BILL!" um...legit? Seriously because I just came from Wachovia, directly across the street 30 seconds ago. Bank policy states she can't give me the bill back but nicely agreed to walk me across the street back to the cursed place of Wachovia. Apparently since I left the bank it is OUT OF THEIR HANDS. Then they accused me of switching the bills...can we use logic for one second here. Hi I'm going to SWITCH a bill and then go to a BANK and deposit it...errr YEAH RIGHT. My theory, the teller switched the money. She was super shady and I got a bad vibe from her. Not to mention she had blue, cat eye contacts and was just creepy. Lakeisha, the manager with a really bad weave, said there was nothing she could do. REALLY? I'm pretty sure you could eat it and stop accusing me of fraudulent behavior, I don't know that's just ONE OPTION. Instead I CRIED, yes to all of you who think I'm emotionless I cried in the bank, went to the ATM pulled out another hundred (which let's get real I have NO JOB so that's a lot of money) and went back to BofA for the cashier's check. Alysia calls regularly pretending to be me. I have yet to get the $100 back...I'm hoping persistance pays off, literally.

5) Continuing one with the previous mentioned story/day I accidentally grabbed Alysia's old Metro Card and well you need that to get on the subway. There was no getting around not having a current card because there were two MTA attendants right in front of the turntables so I went up to one, CRIED again blubbering something about getting a fake hundred, grabbing the wrong card, just having moved here and various other ramblings. I think the lady just wanted me to shut up so she waved me off with her hand and said, "alright now, go on through" I think she may have muttered crazy psycho under her breath but that's beside the point. Leash hugged me and just laughed. It my have been rather shameful to use my current state for our benefit but after forking out $100 PLUS my first months rent and deposit an extra $2.25 for a subway ride was out of the question. Don't judge my cheapness; NYC will do that to you.

After emerging from the subway, tears all dried up, we started walking home and should have turned but didn't. Unfortunately NYC isn't like Utah and doesn't follow the grid system. After realizing that we could see my building from the bottom of a hill we started to make our way up this SUPER SKETCHY area. We saw all these men loitering in this crusty park but decided the only way home was up and through the trees. We start climbing some stairs and part way up I could see the ground because there was a huge HOLE in the middle of the stairs which was just threatening to open wider and swallow us up. Now smart people would have turned back but after my day I decided to nothing else could get me down and continue on my way. After a few more stairs we saw a chain going across the stairs, easy breezy we just hopped right over. Next we encountered a NO TRESPASSING SIGN and a fence....oops. What did we do? We climbed it. I went over first and was trying to help Leash down when she scooted forward and RIPPED her pants. LOL so funny. Don't feel too bad they were legging type pants and yes she wore them the rest of the day.

6) We ended the day going to the Yankees/Royals game. Lucky for Leash she's from Kansas City and her team won. I think everyone in the stadium hated us, because of course we cheered really loud for everything.

7) I am now obsessed with the FREE section on Craigslist. I have managed to score tickets to a show called SESSIONS and an armoire.

8) "New ward, new babe pool." On the plus side there are NORMAL people in the ward. Did I tell you the story of Eric LaRue? Well he stood up at the podium and said, "Brothers and Sisters, John Bytheway has NOTHING on me. I can teach you how to SCOUR FACEBOOK for a RUSSIAN BRIDE and I have a TEMPLE DATE to prove it." Oh goodness. He is now writing a book so everyone can DUPLICATE his methods. Feel free to let me know if you'd like to be on the waiting list. He was just one such gem in the ward...

9) I now babysit for $15+ an hour in order to make some money while still looking for a job. Don't judge me that I'm blogging in the middle of the day...this is my break.

10) I have had a few job interviews!! But I'm not interested in any of the positions. I would make more money babysitting than I would being salaried at a few of the positions. I'm too old for/not into babysitting, UNLESS I love the kids/the family.

11) It's getting REALLY cold here :(

12) I got to go to Utah for a visit! It was much to short and I had the flu Saturday and Sunday.

13) I bought my ticket for the NEW MOON premier. Sorry Andrea and Hayley I'm not going ti make it back to Utah but we will all watch it together...a few times I'm sure.

14) Things are on the UP and UP!

15) I found a burger place that is better than In-N-Out. Hard to believe but oh so true. Don't believe me? Come to NYC and I will prove it to you. If you still think In-N-Out is better then the burger, fries and shake are on me.

NYC Gems
1) a black man on the subway shouting about black history month and white oppression. When Asians got on the train he said, "YOU Asians! Did you know that you are descendants of blacks? We own you. You are us. You are black!" REALLY?
2) two HUGE guys fighting on the subway over something really dumb but it consumed them for a good 15 minutes. After making a huge scene on the train they got off and started holding hands...REALLY?
3) Contemplating taking furniture from a curb and then changing my mind because it is gross, weird and I didn't know how many dogs had peed on it.